#1000Miles: How to get yourself out of the 'cave of doom' during a race

I was thinking deep thoughts on my run this morning. You know, important stuff like what Kim Kardashian might name her baby, what shoes should I wear today, and as I went up my Sacred Heart Hill for the first time since the Steamboat Classic on Saturday, I thought about my race this weekend and thought about what I could do differently should I once again enter the 'cave of doom'.

When it's ugly. It's ugly. 

There are a ton of magazine articles about this, actually a really great one in this month's Runner's World, but sometimes running publications forget that they're are also trying to relate to average humans, not just super-run-geeks. It's easy to say, "Don't panic! Stop being negative!" but you're more apt to let out an F-word and panic when you're sure your kneecap has dislodged itself and your internal organs have decided to liquify themselves in a race.

Not me! You yell. I do it all right! I'm never gonna bonk! Sit down. Law of averages says you're going to bonk at least once in your life. After ten years, I have managed to do it TWICE in the same season. On a stinkin' 5 miler, back in March, no less. That'll humble you pretty fast. So what to do? Well, here's what I came up with.

Think about breathing
When you panic you hyperventilate which robs your body of oxygen, which will make you hit the wall pretty hard. A slow song came on my playlist while I was racing Saturday, and instead of moving on to the next, I just used it as a way to settle down a little. It was 'Stuck in a Moment' by U2 if you're curious. Singing helps me settle my breathing too. But I'm sure you're not in to looking nutso bananas, so just inhaling for 3 or 4 counts and exhaling for the same should settle you down. It'll slow that hamster in your brain down telling you to panic, and get your legs some oxygen rich blood.

Walk n' Water
You think if you stop at a hydration station it's going to KILL your time, right? Well if you're trying to eek a PR, yes. But if you're headed to the 'Cave of Doom', you've already kissed your PR bye, anyway, so now you're just trying to not DNF and finish as strong as you can. So what I did was chill at the aid stations I truly needed. Sipped my drink and gave myself a 30 second break. It felt like 5 minutes, and I almost started panicking again, but in reality, it really is only 30 seconds at the very most. Get good and replenished and plan the next leg of the journey.

Bag the time and have fun
Once the 10k split came up and it was like, 58 minutes, I was like...well I can try to get this time back and probably need my spleen removed, with horrible memories of the experience, or just decide that the last 4 miles or so are going to be fun. Believe it or not...the negative splits happened right at that point again. Not that it took very much to have a negative split during that race...I was practically crawling on my hands and knees, but whatever momentum you can find, build on it.

As always, if you are DEEP in the cave, you gotta stop and get help. Ain't no one got time for literally dying in the middle of a race. But usually it's just a mental thing, and if you can just be patient with yourself for what seems like forever, but is really only a few minutes, it can mean the difference between finishing and not.

Well this ruins Bon Jovi for me...thanks, LeAnn

Ok, I know...I KNOW! I'm breaking two cardinal rules here...one being that I'm about to dish on a blind gossip item that hasn't been substantiated beyond rumors and innuendo, and two I'm about to write about that gutter snipe, LeAnn Rimes after VOWING to go the month of June without mentioning her.

I'm weak, people. I know.

ANYWAY! So the reason I'm writing about this, is I've seen this blind item pop up four times in the last two days. Typically, if that happens you can take it to the bank and cash the check. Now before I do this, let's be all street legal and put a big fat ALLEGEDLY THIS IS JUST ME GOSSIPING AMONG FRIENDS disclaimer on this. I don't want any problems. And by 'problems' I mean a poorly worded and grossly misspelled cease and desister courtesy of L. Rimes-Cibrian.

Ok, the story is that now that Richie Sambora is done with Bon Jovi for firing him from the tour because of some of the things he struggles with, he's decided to go balls out and just dish hella dirt on Jon Bon Jovi. Namely this lil' gem about a wholesome and married country singer Jon bagged back in 2007.

I know...rock stars fuck everything with a pulse. Who cay-uhs, right? Well this is where it gets good! Because back in the day when this all went down (ha! look what I did there) and LeAnn recorded 'Till We Ain't Strangers Anymore' with Bon Jovi, she was hot and heavy on his trail wanting a little rock-star action, and Jon was all, "ew, NAST, no...never." But LeAnn not taking no for an answer, did what she do and went all Fatal Attraction on him until he stuck his peen in the abyss. I know, I just died too. It's so gross and disappointing, isn't it?

After that whole roll in the hay, it turns out that LeAnn was all dickmatized and demanding that Jon leave his wife of 788 years for her because her marriage was a joke (sorry, Dean!) and they were in lurrrrrve. Well, we all know how this ends... he told her to kick rocks and never spoke to her again, and she moved on to the next.

Don't want to believe this? Watch this video of them performing the song. Yep. They were fucking. IN MY OPINION.

I've always not liked Jon Bon Jovi, and been a Richie girl anyway, so this just seals the deal for me that he's a little creep...a hypocritical creep at that. And LeAnn? Well, I mean...she nailed one of the biggest rock stars of all time, so there's that. I only ever made out with a dude in a cover band, so I guess she wins that one. But how desperate ARE you? She reminds me of some kind of praying mantis.

Daycare provider arrested for 'Benadryl Pancakes'

Ok, the bad person in me totally laughed my ass off at this article, because if this trick gave my kids Benadryl, they would be 'peel-them-off-the-ceiling' crackheads. Yes, I was blessed with those children that have the OPPOSITE reaction to antihistamines. I dread having to give them the stuff.

But apparently, the kids this idiot, Tammy Eppley, watched slept on the sauce, because she decided to drug them up by lacing their pancakes with melatonin and Benadryl. For real. She allegedly bragged about doping the kids up in a bunch of text messages, and someone called the po-po on her, so now she's facing 6 charges of child endangerment. She denies the charges, saying she was just talking mad smack via texts, and she really didn't do anything.

Ok, fine. Not smart. Not heinous, but you just never want to play around with little kids and meds. There's a reason no one under 6 is supposed to have any type of decent cold/allergy medication. And if she can't stand kids, why in the frick is she running a daycare center out of her house? You're making, what, $10 a kid an hour? Not exactly big bucks making it worth the hassle.

So she'll probably get probation, and not be allowed to watch kids in her house anymore. Might be a good thing, because what do you do to knock out a kid with a heavy Benadryl tolerance? Switch to Xanax... at that point you might as well just hire Casey Anthony.

Save $10 on your 'Shape Diva Dash' registration!

You've probably seen a gazillion commercials on TV or a handful of your Facebook friends posting pics of themselves with scorched hair and a couple of missing teeth after doing one of those 'mud runs' where you hurl yourself through hot lava and barbed wire for fun. Only for me, that doesn't seem so fun. I have a hard enough time running a regular ol' road race without fear of being maimed, I don't need to invite trouble.

So if you're like me and wouldn't mind a little adventure in a race that is just fun obstacle type stuff, why not the SHAPE Diva Dash? 3 miles long with 12 obstacles. Teams and costumes are encouraged (Hel-LO! Bedazzled tutu awesomeness!) and you can tailor the race to your fitness needs. If you want to be chill? Be chill. If you want to go all out and pretend it's the Olympics? Go for it. No big whoop. It's all about girls just wanting to have fun. Sorry, dudes.

This year's Chicago Diva Dash is taking place on August 3rd at the Sandwich Fairgrounds out in Sandwich, IL. Sign up at www.divadash.com and get $10 off your registration with the code 'BLOG' when you check out.

It's a fun way to do something different fitness wise and have a lot of fun along the way. I'm already super psyched to start gluing my rhinestones!

Tamra Barney and Eddie Judge get married...

HuffPo

There is truly nothing to write about today...yeah...I know there's 'newsy' thought provoking stuff out there, but we all know I specialize in stupid. It was a coin toss between Charlie Sheen firing Selma Blair from Anger Management, and Tamra Barney of Real Housewives of Orange County fame, marrying long time rider of the bike with probably really numb nuts, Eddie Judge.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ....huh? What? Sorry, I didn't have any shits to give so I fell asleep. Apparently Eddie didn't either, because he was tweeting about getting his daily ride in... not Tamra you creeps, his BIKE, before the big shindig.

Obviously this was a Bravo-paid dealio because it was filmed for the big spinoff Gretchen Rossi's head explodes Tamra's OC Wedding, set to debut on September 2nd. You know, because we make a really big deal about third weddings nowadays. Hang on...I have to yawn...

Ok, I'm good.

Not gonna hate too hard, though. She looked very beautiful in the pictures that were released (Vicki stood up? What the WHAT?!), and if she's happy...good for her.

Oh! just so everyone knows...I'm actually waiting on the cable guy RIGHT NOW, so I should be back in recap effect for RHOC tomorrow. Yay! I'm not Amish anymore!

2013 Steamboat Classic Recap: Putting the 'I'm Gonna Die' in racing

Well guys, it's over. I ran the Steamboat Classic here in Peoria IL yesterday, and while I survived, I'm not sure my body's going to regain it's normal function until...never. They call it, "Illinois' Toughest 15k" and it is. It really is.

But before the story of my impending doom on the streets of Peoria, let's talk about the race itself. By Chicago standards, this is a small race. Only about 4,000 participants, most of whom ran the 4 miler. Only about 800 ran the 15k. The expo was held on Friday, and it was an easy-peasy packet pickup, chip activation (omg, you should've seen my face. I was like...a chip? We still use chips? I know, I'm a snobby jerk).

Race day was easy, too. Start was on the river front where they had set up the 'Steamboat Days' festival, and parking was free and easy. The atmosphere was so different down here...really chill and relaxed. None of that intense pre-race stuff you see up in Chicago. Some runners non-chalantly stubbed out their cigs, finished their coffee, and went to their corrals. I am not even kidding. The race started on time, and that was that. Pretty well managed. Except the porta potties. They needed another row of those. Lots of people missed their starts because they were in line.

Ok, with that out of the way, let's talk about me. I have never come close to a DNF as I did yesterday. My legs went out on me after the first go 'round with the hills. Oh those hills...THOSE HILLS. These hills made my Sacred Heart monster-hill I run on the daily look like a babycakes speed bump. You can't even run up these hills. You have to like, speed walk/trudge up them. Or crawl...if you're me. There were two at first, and after that I was like, "Game over!" I got a headache, a side ache, and hated my life.

But I kept going. After all, I had peeps there, don't forget. Couldn't be all, "Thanks for waking up at 5am to watch my failure!" So I just kept trudging along. I was still keeping it at sub-10 minute miles, even with post-hill walking breaks, so it wasn't so bad. I was mentally falling apart with panic and desperation, but my body seemed to be holding up ok. I just couldn't find my groove because I was too busy panicking about the upcoming hills on the next loop. These hills didn't have any rest declines, they just went up, up, up...and the only real downhill was this crazypants hamstring crusher you had to gingerly trot down so you didn't blow out parts of your anatomy on the way. I was yelling expletives, of course. Some guy next to me was all, "You're from Chicago, aren't you."

Yes sir. Yes I am. We don't have these stupid soul crushing mini mountains up there.

Finally at the 10k split, I asked my Dad for help from the great beyond. I was like, "Dad, you better have a glass of pinot chilling for me up there, because I'm about to join you." So some good music appeared on my playlist that calmed me down a little, and I started singing like a delirious mental patient which got me a lot of stares, but I managed to get my head on straight for the last 5K and have a decent finish. Got my medal, and TWO beers.

I don't want to consider this a 'bad' race, because there seriously wasn't anything I could've done differently training or preparation wise. I did have a crazy week physically and emotionally with everything going on, and a killer sunburn, so I'm sure that played a small role, but not enough to blame on wanting to burn every pair of running shoes I own somewhere around mile 4 yesterday. Poop happens in racing. You win some...you lose some. Now I know that I'm going to have to come down to Peoria and run these ginormous hills before next year's race. My Sacred Heart hill isn't going to cut it. I should also believe them when they say things like, "The Toughest 15k in Illinois" instead of laughing.

I did manage to have a decent 5k split for my Run for Boston 5k virtual time. I was so busy hating my life during the race, I totally forgot there was another one I was technically running going on at the same time. I heard the race was a success, and I'm happy for everyone involved. A great way to celebrate Boston and the victims of the bombings. Even if I'm required to temporarily hate Boston for what they did to the Blackhawks last night.

So races 8&9 are in the can, and next Sunday I'll run #10 at the Chicago Women's Half Marathon back in the cherished flat lands of the city. Let me know if you're running it at jenn@justsayjenn.net maybe we can do a reader round-up of some kind! Or at least you can give me your beer ticket.

Kim Kardashian gives birth 5 weeks early, America responds, "Maury! Maury! Maury!"

I kid, I kid...well sorta. I don't really follow the Kardashians because I find them boring. But they've intrigued me recently with this whole baby thing, the cheating rumors and Kanye hating his life for making deals with the devil. Now I'm in! Love me a good soap opera...

So what is the deal? Was she really 5 weeks early? Or did she fudge the due date to land her man? I doubt it was a 'convenience' birth, because as someone who's had a baby six weeks early, they could be 'big' for their gestation age but still have a myriad of problems. My daughter wound up in the NICU for 2 weeks. I'm thinking we can take the whole, "She didn't want to compete with Kate Middleton's baby" off the table...unless...UNLESS she was full term and we're only talking a few days. Then I believe it. Make everyone believe it was pre-term so we get a "Poor Kim!" and make Kanye look like a jerk for stressing her out with all of the cheating rumors...

It's so bananas! Don't you find it weird how quiet the family is being, too? We usually can't go 15 minutes without some gossip rag or E! letting us know that one of them farted.

Well whatever the drama behind it...there's a new baby in the world, and that's always a blessing. Strap in, kid...you're already richer than any of us will ever be, but you're about to earn every penny.

Hi-ho...hi-ho...off to Peoria I go for the Steamboat Classic!

It's time for me to get races 8 & 9 of the season underway and head to the booming metropolis that is Peoria, IL to run the Steamboat Classic 15K and the Run for Boston 5K virtually.

All my pre-race rituals are in full effect. Got the outfit planned out: Lucy tank, Jockey bra, MPG skirt, CEP socks, lululemon headband, because I seem to not be able to race in anything except black and pink this year. Rockin' the Flo Jo manicure in Essie Watermelon...been hydrating, carbing it up and trying to stay off my feet. You know how we do.

I am nervous about this race. It's supposed to be TOUGH. Which, I can handle, but I really, really want to place. I'm also exhausted from the move, so I hope I don't bonk. It's also out of town so I won't be in my own bed or my usual routine, but I was living in a hotel when I ran the Soldier Field 10 miler, so I should just shut up and get over it, right? Right.

I'm actually going to have my peeps there too, so that makes me nervous. If I crap out...they will NEVER LET ME LIVE IT DOWN. Note to self, perhaps I need new peeps. Speaking of peeps, I've posted a coupon you can use at any adidas retail store this weekend, as well as adidas is offering free shipping on orders through 7/1. So go buy some stuff. 

Alright...enough talking myself out of having a good race. Because I'm going to have a GREAT RACE. There, I claimed it. I'm even going to place in the top ten, too. Had some family drama go down yesterday, so there's enough anger in the tank to make me run really fast. You ever notice that being pissed off is like, the best jet-fuel for a run? 

I'll recap the race once it's in the can. Wish me luck! If you're in P-Town, come on over and say hi! I'm usually the one wandering around looking for the nearest beer tent. I also want to wish everyone in Chicago good luck on running the Run for Boston 5k tomorrow. It's such a great event and cause, I wish I could be there! But I will totally be there in spirit as I try to nail down a good 5k split for my virtual time. 

Don't forget that tonight my radness is going to be featured on the “Chicago's Very Own” segment of the WGN News at 9pm. You can catch it locally on the telly, or watch it online. There will be a link of the broadcast available online and I'll share that with you once it posts.

I'm so nervous I could seriously barf especially after the whole, “Jenny Lane” fiasco, and I'm kind of relieved that my cable installation was delayed and I will be out of town when it airs. I have this debilitating fear of everything going down in a ball of flames. Like someone pointing and laughing at me at the grocery store, “Hey aren't you that ugly fool we saw on TV? You're a lot chubbier in person.” Seriously, this is my nightmare.

But it is a great opportunity for me and could open a lot of doors, so there's that too, I guess. And I wouldn't even have been considered for this featured had it not been for you awesome readers that knocked on their door and nominated me. Thanks so much for being so supportive, you all are truly the best!

So set those DVRs and be sure to tune in...then we can all have a good laugh, because I'm pretty sure I picked my nose at least twice.  

Be sure to get weekend updates from me on Twitter (@just_say_jenn) and on Instagram (justsayjenn). 

Have a good one, everybody!

Charlie Sheen disses Farrah Abraham in the most brilliant way possible...

Back to middle earth, loser.

OMG you're such a hater, Charlie!

This made me smile. 'Stagnant Douche Agua' is my new catchphrase by the way.

So here's what the ol' Wizard himself, Charlie Sheen, had to say to our favorite 'Backdoor Teen Mom' and entrepreneur of the bidnezzes, Farrah Abraham.

hey, you desperate guzzler of stagnant douche agua; 

I truly do not recall giving you permission to globally reveal any communication between us. congrats on surviving your lobotomy and an even bigger congratz on the recent attempt at porn. 

your daughter must be so proud.

please send my number to middle earth and if allowed, eagerly follow it into said abyss and slam the door behind you. the world will collectively sigh as the pungent memory of you vanishes into the pedestrian troposphere of lame-suck and zero-life.

oh and I'm sure they'll wave the cover charge when they see your tranny-boobs and five o'clock shadow.
bye!
cs.

I'd like to think that most of the content for that note came from this blog, but I'll just go ahead and give Carlos all the credit on this one. Guess there's a spot open for a guest role on Anger Management now. Pick me! Pick me!

Farrah's probably going to respond to Charlie's diss in a totally hilarious way, too.

A little something fun for my Zumba and dance loving friends!

Ok Zumba freaks, here's something fun for you guys. See? I've got love for more than just the runners! This is also great if you have a dancer in the family, like my beloved Tater Tot, who likes to take the occasional hip-hop class or does poms. 

Or if you just want to look cool like a dancer...which is why I like it. 

Reebok Dance Gear Is back For Summer! Last year Reebok took a HUGE step into the dance category, supporting the active women who love to partake in fitness movements like Zumba to stay feeling and looking great. Mid-cut and low-cut footwear options were debuted, as was a full line of apparel made for movement. Reebok's dance footwear products like the UR Lead Mid have been a hit with dance enthusiasts, combining function and fashion in a way no other sportswear brand has achieved yet. One of the hottest colors being bought is below:

 Women's Dance UR Lead Mid Shoe 

The apparel from last year has been updated for the new season, and it rocks! Short and long sleeve tops, compression and tights, and even looser fitting pant styles are up for grabs from this colorful and stylish line. Way to go Reebok! Check out some of my favorites! 

own mix hoodie

Shapewear Luxe Tank

Happy burn out T

Shoe Review: New Balance 870v2

New Balance Shoes. Official New Balance Source. Free Shipping Over $125 and Free Returns!

I make fun of things a lot, right? Myself mostly, but I got jokes! And one of my jokes is about certain brands of running shoes, namely New Balance and Brooks. The shoe of the American Mall Walker over 70. So when SNL did their sketch on New Balance being the shoe of the dorky, pugy white guy, I totally jumped all over that.

So what did New Balance do? Have a sense of humor, of course, so they sent me a pair of 870v2 shoes. I was like, sure...I need new yard work shoes, that's cool. And wasn't really excited about this.

But then they arrived and I cracked open that box...oh-em-geeeee you guys, they were SO CUTE! I wouldn't look like a granny or a prison inmate in these cute things. Neon yellow, pink and black, with just a snazzy 'N' on the side.

I pulled them out of the box and they were super light. Lighter than the Mizunos and Asics I race in, but not quite as light as the Adidas Climacools. But that's a minimalist shoe, and these are a stability performance shoe, so there's got to be a little more substance to them.

I love the smell of new shoes. 

As soon as I put them on I got scared because there is a lot going on inside this shoe. LOTS of correction. But in a good way. You immediately feel them set your foot right. It's kind of like when you get brand new orthotics. You're like...dang...my feet were that jacked, huh.

That goes away though, and they turn out to be rather cushioned and FAST. I literally fell in love instantly with these shoes. So much so, I had to completely rethink my wardrobe choice for this weekend's race because I'm wearing these shoes. Sorry new gray and purple get-up I picked out for this race...you now clash.

I read some reviews about this shoe, and a lot of people complained about the fit being small, but I found them to be true to size if not a little on the big side. My only beef with them is that the laces are those chubby-foam kind so they don't stay tied unless you triple-double-infinity knot them. But that's really not all that big of a deal.

This version is going to be upgraded soon with a new release, so it's a good time to snap them up for cheapsies. I ordered another couple of pairs just in case the reboot isn't the way I like them.

So the moral of the story is...I should shut up about my preconceived notions about things, huh. Your move, Brooks.  

This kind of stuff only happens to me...Epic Fail #4,593

My nightmare is coming true, guys. This whole 'Chicago's Very Own' thing is going to go down in such an incredible ball of failure flames...I'm not sure whether to fall down and laugh myself silly, or to curl up into a ball and cry. Maybe both.

So as you know, the promos have been airing for the feature since Tuesday. Now way back when they were putting the segment together, there was a snafu with my last name. I have a ridiculously easy 4-letter last name, somehow, it was confused with another 4 letter word...Lane. But it all got straightened out, no big whoop...carry on, nothing to see here...

Until today...I'm getting ready to go live my life of leisure when I get a text from life partner and payer of bills, Dr. Fabio von Finklepuss:

'Jenny LANE? What the hell is THAT?'

OMG. This is where I hit the floor and die on the spot. For a couple of reasons, but mostly because I look like a moron for gushing about something that doesn't even have my name right. Now I'm freaking out full throttle...so I fire off some emails, and it was just a glitch...no biggie deal, the promos are gonna get fixed, and everyone's going to be ok.

See what happens when I don't have a TV?! Bad, bad things.

I swear, this kind of stuff only happens to me.