Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Eat A Frog A Day


You don't know how badly the evil genius in me wants that title to be, "Eat a bag of dicks a day."

I know. No need to escort me out, I know where the exit is...

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Insomnia Adventures: The Kina Edition

[The Welcome Back, Kotter theme song plays in the background...]

After roughly 35 years of promptly being tucked into my bed at 9pm, recently I have developed this thing you may not have heard of called, insomnia. Of course a gazillion people suffer from this, but because it's happening to me, a flaming ego monster, I have to make it a huge thing that is special and unique! Special! Unique!

Saturday, March 22, 2014

What I Loved This Week 3/22/14: Kimye, Dance and Tater

Sup mes homies? You likey the new site? Special thanks to Designer Blogs for hooking a sister up. I love it long time.

So what a week, right? Tons of stuff happened, and here's what I loved the most about it...

KimYe grace the cover of Vogue

Well, Kanye West got every little girl and gay man's dream, and he got a Vogue cover. The only problem is? Freaking Kim Kardashian was on there with him. It's not that she's not pretty enough or anything, because whatever, she's got all the pretty money can buy. But I'm gagging because high fashion has been assholes about who's on their cover for so long...remember the whole freak out over Melissa McCarthy being on the cover of Elle because **gasp!** she's plus sized? Well, now with Kim being on the cover, the dam has broke so now every reality star who took it in the butt on camera has a shot at one of the most coveted covers in the world. Get ready for your 'Spring Campaign' featuring Farrah Abraham. Since this happened, I will also be featured on page 867 of the King James Bible beginning in Fall 2014.


Dance! We shall Dance! 

Both Christopher Walken and Kevin Bacon brought the dance this week, and it made me happy.




  Footloose turning 30 freaks me out a little...

The school system gets Tater


So Tater had some homework where she had to explain why getting the food you see right off your television screen would be 'good' or 'bad'. Well, Tater answered that it would be 'good' because if you didn't have food, there would be food. Then she said it would be 'bad' because putting your hand in the TV would hurt your hand and electrocute you, she even drew a picture. I don't think that was the answer they were looking for, but this is Tater.

Tweets I Loved This Week

Follow these funny people. Now.







An Interview with Tater and Hushpuppy Part 2

As promised, here's the second part of my interview with the middle and youngest children. At the end, they debate poisonous frogs. Enjoy.


Thursday, March 20, 2014

It's 'International Act of Happiness' Day! Here's an interview with Tater...


Are you happeeeeeee?!

So happeeeeee?! 

Well today is something called 'International Act of Happiness' Day, and it's actually a thing...

The United Nations, recognizing "the relevance of happiness and well-being as universal goals and aspirations in the lives of human beings around the world," proclaimed March 20 as an official day to honor those worthy pursuits.
I still don't know what it means. I guess we're supposed to pursue being happy? Well, I'm happy as a clam these days, so I'll pay it forward with an interview with everyone's favorite obtuse middle child,
Tater Tot, with a special guest appearance by the very patriotic Hushpuppy. It'll make you happy.

Where else are you going to hear a 7 year old talking about the afterlife, plants, and the Civil War while a 4 year old says the pledge of allegiance?

Only here. Enjoy, and be happpeeeee! So happpeeee!

Saturday, March 15, 2014

The Importance of Being Tater Episode 852: Shoe Shopping



I had to take Tater shoe shopping last night after dance because she outgrew her gym shoes and they stunk so bad we could no longer let them out of the mudroom, lest we become asphyxiated and die. So off to the shoe store we went, and Tater exhausted me with nonstop chatter, diva moments...like a Chuck Taylor tantrum as shown...eventually settling on a pair of white Pumas with sparkly stone details.

"What...I'm a fashionista! WHAT." she said as she picked out lime green sunglasses to complete her ensemble and I raised my eyebrow.

It was the large bottle of wine for me on our way home, as Tater spun and pirouetted through the aisles of the grocery store begging me for Orange Crush and Goldfish Crackers.

Shop PUMA.com"No," I said.

"Aw man!"

Then she'd ask me 10 seconds later, 17 more times. She was like a wind up toy. Finally in the car driving home, I was like, "Please Tater, take a breath. Let's have quiet time on the way home."

"Ok fine, I will leave you with this..."

And then she farted and dissolved into a fit of giggles.

This kid.

Kristin Cavallari speaks out on vaccines. Claims to have read 'a lot of books'...

Books. I reads them. 
I read the latest headlines made by LC's nemesis future collector of Jay Cutler's alimony and child support, Kristin Cavallari, and I've been laughing ever since. Not because of the subject matter, because I sorta kinda agree with her, but mostly because she claims to have read, "a lot of books".

Uh...Kristin Cavallari? Books? In the same room? Like she holds them in her hand? And looks at them forming thoughts and conclusions?

There I go laughing again. It's too funny.

So Kristin decided to become Jenny McCarthy 2.0 and spoke out against vaccines, stating that she will not vaccinate her son Camden, nor her baby on the way. She gives the fear of autism as a reason, and I'm ok with that. I happen to be a dirty hippie that feels the modifications of our food supply, chemicals we're now exposed to, and vaccinations have created the perfect storm to cause certain disorders, so I selectively vaccinated my children on a delayed schedule, we don't eat food with GMOs or chemicals, and blah, blah, blah...who cay-UHS, to each their own.

A lot of these women with their 'research' are not vaccinating their kids and then pumping them full of High Fructose Corn Syrup, Aspertame, and GMOs which defeats the purpose anyway. It's like a pregnant woman washing down a prenatal vitamin with a Diet Coke. Or a woman allegedly doing coke off a public toilet seat in a club a couple of months before she got pregnant and had a baby at home...so...yeah...uh-huh...sure...

We all know about Kristin Cavallari and how 'about the issues' she is, so big eye roll. Something tells me this is kind of her foray into mommylebrity... make a bunch of headlines on 'accident', and boom you have a platform. Pretty smart, actually. The 'pretty mommys' who were there before have all but left, so why not have Kristin step into that role?

Except for the fact she says word salad like this...

“There’s really scary statistics out there, and to each their own. Autism wasn’t prevalent — like it is now — years ago, so something is going on, whether it’s the chemicals in our food or the vaccines.”

So like, I don't, like, do the shots, and like stuff, I like read a lot of like, books.

$20 it was a Jenny McCarthy book.

Whatever, like she says, to each their own, and while a celebrity can maybe plant the seed for something like this, you really need to do your own actual research before making decisions about this kind of serious stuff.




Friday, March 14, 2014

Dress Drama That Wasn't All That Dramatic

NORDSTROM - Shop the Trend Guide for Spring

Fun posty-poo for today, and before I begin, I want to let all of you know that Blind Items are BACK AND EVEN BETTER! My Wine and Sass co-host Kristi is also a seasoned BI writer, so she and I are going to bring back Blinds over on Wine and Sass each and every day, and you will get some reveals on our 'Ride or Die' episode that happens on the 3rd Thursday of every month. So if you love you some fun gossip, head over there.

So now for today's post...

I had to buy a dress today for a couple of events I have over the weekend. Dresses for me are like bathing suits for other people. I literally have an anxiety attack over the thought of dealing with trying on dresses in a funhouse dressing room mirror. Because of my body type...tall with Skipper's body on top and Kim Kardashian's on the bottom, the only dress in this world that fits me are the usual tight bodice, full skirt options. Never in my life have I ever been able to wear a sheath dress or anything cut narrowly. I will live and die an A-line skirt life.

I lost pretty much all of my dress up clothes in the flood last year, and never really needed to replace them until now, so off to the mall I went in search of the perfect dress that's going to get me through these things where I can't just wear black pants and a shirt.

Everything is so pretty with the new Spring lines out. Everything is bright and prints are really in I see, as well as the Pucci inspired swingy shift dress. So that's what I went for first. (My hair is weird today..so just look at the dress)


Michael Kors

Donna Rico
Super cute, just not made for my body type. Huggy around the hips, boxy and huge in the waist, chest, arms, and shoulders. If you are a broad shouldered girl with narrow hips? This is your dress.

Surprisingly, Calvin Klein has quite the dress collection. Really luxurious fabrics and gorgeous tailoring. I found a basic LBD, and this jazzy jungle number...

Calvin Klein LBD

Jungle Love. Rawr. 
I actually kinda loved the jungle dress, but I was swimming in it. I liked the color blocking with the print, and it was different. The pic doesn't do it justice.

But there was one more dress. The ol' bateau circle skirt dress I knew would fit. 

Kate Spade. Of course. 
You can't see on the pic, but the tailoring is amazing on this dress, and while it was a size too big, it was really the cut for my body and flattered me. It was also 80% off because it was last spring's, so if they didn't have a smaller size out there, I would just wear it big and eat a huge dinner. 

Luckily I did find a smaller size out there, thank you Kate Spade for vanity sizing these dresses so I could walk out of there on air thinking that my ass is legitimately in a size 4, and green light that cheeseburger lunch. 

But because I wasn't sure if I was making the right choice, I texted Fabio the options, and he said, "The striped one is hot," because anytime you have an animal print or red involved, all guys think of are hot chicks on Trans Ams in a Motley Crue video. 

So I bought them both. I found the jungle print in a smaller size. It was clearly meant to be. 


NORDSTROM - Shop the Trend Guide for SpringIt's usually me trying to tug dresses over these birthing hips of mine that makes me red faced and frustrated, and typically why I just wear pants if I can. I didn't have that problem a single time, and I really think it's because designers are going to a more womanly aesthetic in their clothes. Although I want one of those jazzy print dresses. Hear that Michael Kors? You need to make it for Skipper on top, and Kim Kardashian on the bottom. Not this Heidi Klum nonsense. 

What article of clothing do you hate to have to try on and buy? I'd have to say after dresses, it's jeans, but even those are getting better. I'm not even sure what a life without dressing room anxiety would be like. 

Monday, March 10, 2014

REVIEW: Chelsea Handler 'Uganda Be Kidding Me' at the Chicago Theater


Let's start this review by saying that I really like Chelsea Handler a lot, and not very many people care about their fans as much as she does. If you've ever been to one of her book signings, she's engaged, funny and cares about the experience her fans have.

She however, sucks live.

Comedians have things that they excel with and things that are their weak points. A great comedic actress isn't necessarily a funny interviewer, a great stand-up isn't necessarily a great writer, and so on... we've seen it with Kathy Griffin, awesome stand up, horrible talk show host. And the inverse is true with Chelsea Handler, great wit conversationally, horrible stand up.

She shines in a round table, because it accentuates her timing, and she can decide if she wants to be the funny man or the straight man in a situation, and can use other's timing to enhance her own. I think the show, which is basically the stand up act that marries to her book of the same title, which debuted last week, would have been brilliant had it been set up like her show, "Chelsea Lately." Instead it was Handler awkwardly delivering recycled punchlines that fell mostly flat on the Sunday night crowd. The ladies sitting next to us didn't even crack a smile in the 55 minute performance. I'm sure they were tallying the money it cost them to park and buy tickets against the entertainment value of the show.

I didn't laugh either, because I was studying how a memoir and a stand up show go together, and there just simply weren't any laugh out loud moments unless you were the group a few rows back who obviously made a party of the night and didn't have to get up early Monday morning. This is one of the early shows on the tour, so maybe there just needs to be a rhythm found as the shows go on.

The format of book/standup simply doesn't work in Handler's type of delivery. I've seen her previous shows she's set up like this, and it's basically an extended book signing she stands up and phones in. It has the feeling of being, "Let's get this hour over with," and very checked out. There's no intimacy or rhythm to it. A one woman show with more AV involved, or like I said before, the round table format, would have been a much happier marriage to the book.

My review? Buy the book, find a free book signing to attend, and skip the live show. It almost seems like Chelsea herself would rather have it that way too.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Adele Dazeem, Jimmy Fallon, and The Roots perform 'Let it Go'


I know it's Idina Menzel...it's still funny, though.

Want to know how John Travolta will butcher your name? Check out this game on Slate. Pretty funny. I'm Jessica Gonzaleez. 

So last tight on the 'Tonight Show' Jimmy Fallon, the Roots, and Adele Dazeem Idina Menzel, performed 'Let It Go' with the school instruments. It was good! But I did notice that Idina might have had trouble singing the song with the orchestra on Sunday night, because she seems to have really bad timing issues. Great voice, no doubt, one of the best ever, but dang if that girl could find phrasing to save her life. 

Count to 8, girl. Just hit the 8-count. Or look at ?uestlove and he'll nod when you should start singing again. Decades of musical theater and we now know that someone was giving her a hard cue the whole time. Somewhere in the distance, Kristin Chenowith stops screaming into pillows and smiles maniacally into the mirror. The circle is complete. 

Have a looksie at the clip. It's really quite good. Has there been a bad one yet?

Saturday, March 1, 2014

"Tales From The Crypt" Things Are Actually Happening For Real


I know the last day of meteorological winter (yesterday) is supposed to be the craziest day of the year, but damn...THIS stuff is going to have me lighting white candles, burning sage, and asking tonight's new moon to cleanse this madness.

So yesterday, two stories came out that sounded exactly like story lines from 'Tales From The Crypt' and gave me the heebeejeeebeeeees for at least ten hours.

Mississippi man wakes up in body bag before being embalmed

Ok, I am terrified of dead things. It's an irrational fear, because dead, but I hate going to wakes or having to touch a dead animal because I am completely terrified of them reanimating.

Now my irrational fear is actually a rational one, because 78 year old Walter Williams was actually declared dead by a coroner, a person who is actually familiar with being 'dead' or 'not dead'. So off to the funeral home he goes to get embalmed, and the poor person who had to take care of that task, sees the body KICKING IN THE BODY BAG.

“He was not dead, long story short,” funeral home manager Byron Porter said.

Um, ya think? Could you imagine if you were the person getting ready to embalm this guy and he's alive? I would literally piss my pants, and probably die myself. Just thinking about it makes me want to run.

Right now the hypothesis is that his pacemaker quit working, and then started back up. SO WEIRD.

Mr. Williams is resting in the hospital, and not dead.

I'm not done...

Doctors find fully formed teeth in baby's brain tumor

ANOTHER crazy creepy story came out yesterday, that actually happened two years ago, but we're hearing about it now. A four month old baby was operated on after a large brain tumor was discovered, and when doctors reached the tumor found large, fully formed teeth in it.

WHAT.

This was released in the New England Journal of Medicine this week as a way for physicians and researchers to look into ways of growing new organs and whatnot. Which is great, but shouldn't we be researching the cyborg trying to embed itself in the brain of a baby trying to take over the universe?

Teeth and other human tissue aren't unusual in tumors, just tumors in the BRAIN OF A BABY.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be stocking up on canned goods and fashioning a tin foil hat in preparation for it to rain frogs today or something...

Review: Wayne Brady "It's My Line Tour" at the Chicago Theater

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 I'm a nerd that's been into 'Whose Line Is It Anyway' since the old days of the original British series airing on Comedy Central. I love improv, so when I was given the opportunity to review Wayne Brady's live show, I was psyched. I don't know why his talent doesn't translate to his other TV gigs like, "Let's Make A Deal" and the other things he's done, but he shines in the improv genre and this show highlights that in a big way.

"It's My Line," is a totally improvised live show. To me, that's where it succeeds and also fails. Those not necessarily familiar with Brady beyond his gameshow hosting, seemed confused by the format. They kept nervously looking around like, "Uh...he's not going to tell jokes? We wore these costumes for nothing?" The show also heavily relies on audience participation, which for improv geekers like my self, and you could tell who those were, made the show good. Those not familiar with improv served up some awkward moments, which to Brady's credit he deftly makes work, but it was more a laugh/cringe of shared embarrassment and not comedy so much.

The musical numbers, Wayne Brady's niche, were excellent, and you found yourself amazed at his talent, but asking yourself, "Self. Why is this guy hosting gameshows and not a huge star? What is the mainstream not getting?"

That I can't answer, but if you're looking for a night of fun, and a fast education on the art of improv, when the "It's My Line Tour" hits your city, it's a good show to catch. Surprisingly, it's not an all-ages show, and the humor is quite adult, so be aware of that too, but it's funny, and if you do get called up on stage, just relax and have fun with it.

Still have no idea who Wayne Brady is? Check out probably the funniest thing he's ever done.


Next week, I'll be reviewing Chelsea Handler's new show, "Uganda Be Kidding Me," also at the Chicago Theater.
 
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