There were moments...sure. Brandi should probably up her water to booze ratio...but it was mostly the usual gobbeldy gook we get when all these dorks travel together. There's a beautiful location, wonderful food, and we spend the entire dinner having a seance over shit that happened a year and a half ago. Right, JACKALEEENA?!
So let's rewind the tape and start at the beginning with Brandi talking about sex.
Ok, I'll admit. I pretty much screamed into a pillow the entire time out of shared embarrassment for Brandi, her poor, poor father, and the children. Now...I'm a liberated woman...I'm a feminist, even. Hell, I had a talk about lesbians with a seven year old...BUT I am not going to have the 'I just tell him to choke me out when I'm tired of doing it' talk on national television. I am literally trying to jump under the table as I type that. WHYYYY.
I mean...we all have these talks with our girlfriends. I'm not a pearl clutching prude, but TIME AND PLACE, BRANDI. Time and place. I get that you have a coloring book about the sexytimes coming out soon and you want to get us to get all excited about it...but everything you talk about regarding sex...I can only imagine Eddie Cibrian doing to you...and in turn what LeAnn Rimes must demand be done to her. Do you see what you've done there? DO YOU SEE HOW YOU HAVE RUINED OUR LIVES, BRANDI?!
What saved me from having to breathe into a paper bag to prevent my passing out from shock, was her notepad, and the 'notes' she was taking. It said ALTOIDS in the top corner, then it was just a hangman game underneath. Stay pretty, girl.
After that, we have to cleanse the palate a bit and head up to Witch Mountain to watch Kim and Kimberly 2 shop for things Kim will need on this two day trip to Palm Springs. Two. Days. That's it! Just two. You can put your toothbrush from home in a ziploc and throw it in your suitcase. But hey! Let's pretend that this is what people normally do.
So Kim and Kimberly 2 are tossing suitcases, and making vibrator jokes...which let me just say, was cute! I know a lot of people were horrified, as was Kim, but this is an 'of-age' daughter doing it in a dry, hilarious way to get her mother's goat. I found it funny. I'm really, really liking goofball Kim this season.
The antithesis of goofball Kim is her stupid sister Kyle (AND OH MY GOD YOU GUYS THAT JEEP COMMERCIAL). Kyle and Carlton are shopping for caftans to wear in Palm Springs. Kyle, of course, is wearing her bronze medal in 2 man bobsled from the 1988 Calgary Olympics, again. She must be really proud of it, because she wears it like...everywhere.
What I love about Carlton is how expertly she throws shade. Like when the salesgirl, who you KNOW Kyle emailed that morning telling her that there was an extra $20 in it for her if she called her super skinny and pretty, and Carlton is all, "WHAT. We're in a caftan store." So Carlton is trying to explain why she was offended by Kyle and they're pretty valid points...mocking religion, and interrupting you during a story is annoying, but Kyle simply refuses to ever understand anything. Thus we get the theme to our show...the old Mexican saying that when Kyle Richards doesn't understand why you have beef with her, you're just looking for TITS ON AN ANT. Which is hilarious. Because it's an idiomatic expression, and it's true!
So that's over...now we have to watch our favorite irradiated Puerto Rican parakeet,
Errrryone piles into the limos by faction, and heads to Palm Springs. The Brits in one car, Brandi and Yolanda in another car, and The Sisters Richards riding along with
They get to the house, pick rooms like it's the damn Real World, and there's where you get the first bit of tension, as Brandi has to sleep on a fold out couch in the basement or something. I don't know. I don't get it. You're just SLEEPING THERE.
Now we're about to get into the meat of this show...the pool party...
We're all around the pool in our caftans, and someone (I think it was Brandi?) was all, "Let's get outta these caftans and in the pool, bitches!" Or what I like to call, "Let's compare C-section scars!" Good Gravy. You don't have to wear the granny briefs, but I don't want to see your C-section scar. Ever. Ew.
Joyce pulls off her coverup and Kim drops dead from the fabulous around her... and Joyce situates herself on her chair 'just so'. Because she thinks she looks way hotter on the lounge chair, 'just so' and the illusion would be destroyed in the pool. Once a pageant girl...
That's kind of the thing with Joyce. She's a pageant girl. Her whole life has been built on the illusion. Prettttyyyyyyy! She's like a show pony...which is why I almost died over her 'Hoysee!' comment. Awww...you're a pretty pony, aren't you girl.
I also think the other women came with their bitchgame on. They had chips on their shoulder as soon as the room thing happened, and errrythang was going to be an issue after that.
So Brandi and Carlton get in the pool and all I can think to myself a this point is, "Soup Bones!" Know who's got the sickest body? My Scandinavian homeslice, Yolanda. THAT is a banging body, people. Not that Brandi and Carlton aren't pretty and in good shape...I just find Yolanda to be a much healthier ideal. But that's just me...
"Come on! Get in the pool JACKALEENA!" Brandi yells.
"I don't want to! I'm perfectly posed!"
"Oh that's right, you're black. Black people don't swim. None of my black friends can swim. Racial stereotypes are fun!" Brandi says...
Shut upppppp, girl. Zip. It. Now. No. Bad girl. *sprays her with water bottle*
I don't think Brandi is or intended to be a racist with what she said. But it came out that way. Say that in front of NeNe Leakes. I dare you. She's in that pool snatching out your jank clip in weave before you even get the word 'black' out of your mouth.
Joyce, always ready with a pageant rebuttal fires off, "Yes. My great grandmother was black. I proudly represent all three of my heritages as displayed by this awful nose job to make me look more white."
Then everyone starts in on Joyce, and it's boring. Oh great...more kissing...just what I needed. Kyle starts squawking about 'peer pressure' and Carlton screws her bitchface on and says, "Don't go there with the peer pressure," then puts a hex on her. I don't know...this whole exchange is stupid to me. So what. Who CAYUHS.
Kim makes it ok with her commentary, though. I love that she's basically narrating the show now. I need this in my life.
Now it's dinner time, and after the whole pool scene you know Brandi's been day drinking steadily, and Joyce has been practicing her 'head of the table' preening in a mirror all afternoon.
Dinner looked delicious by the way. Oven roasted filet...ugh...you hags are wasting this dinner arguing and I hate you for it.
Brandi stumbles in and you just know this is going to be one of those moments where you're watching it through your fingers while your hands are over your eyes. No Brandi...more ice water...please.
FUCK THAT. She tells Yolanda..."just take my weave out right here at the table!"
God bless Yolanda, because she's just like, "Shhh...here let me clip you back in...shhh...mamma's got it...we don't take our hair out at the table..."
Side note... WHY is Brandi wearing a $79.99 clip in weave from Ulta? I, a poor person, could afford a full head of fusion extensions. This avoids things like, obvious unblended Barbie hair, and your weave slipping out at dinner after drinking all day. I simply don't understand...
Anyway! We're at the table, and Brandi can't stop saying JACKALEENA when referring to Joyce, and Joyce gets all bitchy about it, and I'm bored wishing they would stop talking and eat the beautiful plates of food in front of them already. Yolanda is not a Dutch name. Brandi is not the name of a rocket scientist. Kyle is a dude's name. Carlton will always be Alfonso Ribiero. There...I've put it out there. Can we eat now? Joyce is a normal woman's name. Whatever. Let's be real here Brandi and just admit you don't like her and like poking her with a stick. Oh and you're drunk. Ish.
Brandi's that girl that you had to babysit at frat parties, isn't she? She's fun at the beginning...and then she goes a bridge too far...and you're either holding her hair, sitting on the bathroom floor with her while she cries, or begging her not to go upstairs with that guy she doesn't know. It's not a good look when you're 18, and it's not a good look now. More ice water, girl.
So Joyce makes a valid point about mocking her name, because she was bullied for it in school. Hoysee! I get it. Well, Lisa hears the word, "Bully" and decides to go all in and now we're talking about Paris again...Yolanda and Kyle are bickering...because you know GOD saw what Yolanda did...Brandi's got wine tourettes at this point and is just yelling, "Cock balls! COCK! Jackaleena!"
And I'm crying over the beautiful meals going to waste over this nonsense.
Next week, we get to see more madness as Brandi decides to get drunker, then her dog gets stolen and this trip becomes Brandi drunk sobbing while the girls stand around her in a semi circle nodding their heads sympathetically. Because she's THAT GIRL.
Oh and Kim prays to a garbage can. That's why I'm watching.